Over the last decade, I’ve been a cashier, server, bartender, barista, prep-cook, and  hostess. I’m a young female with the heart and soul of an old, crotchety man…but I haven’t always been this way.

Working in the food service industry and any other customer service job will give you a fresh, and a lot of times, wicked perspective and lesson in human nature. I’m thinking about the waitress in Thelma and Louise and how right she was when she said: “If waitin’ tables in a bar don’t make you an expert in human nature, then nothin’ will.”

As a bartender and/or server, I’m sure no one told you being a highly underpaid therapist, an object, and a servant is part of your job description…well I’m here to tell you, that unfortunately, it is. (I know the words “server” and “servant” are similar, but I promise you, they are different, damn it.
Or, are they?)

Because there seems to be a huge misconception of what appropriate manners are, I have prepared a list for you who might need a little reminder.

1. DON’T BE A PERVERT

   The last thing we want to deal with while being on our feet all day at a fast-paced environment is any sort of sexual advances. We are NOT here for your entertainment. We are here to work…so please, let us do our jobs. Do NOT mistake our niceness for flirtatiousness. That is RARELY the case. We are PAID to be nice to you.

   I once had a guy say that he’d be my “daddy” because he wanted a discount.
   And another who bought me a t-shirt because he wanted me to “wear it as a nighty.”

2. If you’re not interested in the special, why are you asking?

   The ole “the host already told us the special but we just want to see if you’re good at your job” trick. “We knew what we wanted to order as soon as we walked through the door!”

   Congratulations! You are an asshole. I am not your monkey and I won’t dance for you.

3. “Oh, I thought you were paying for that!”

   If I could afford to pick up a stranger’s tab, do you think I’d be working here, pal?
   Oh! And by the way! You are the FIFTH person who’s said that to me today! Please, for the love of GOD, try and be more original next time.

4. Don’t go out to eat if you CAN’T BUDGET A TIP

   Just…don’t fucking do it.

5. Don’t be rude to the host!

   The host(s) do/does NOT have the power to make tables move any faster. Look, I’ve been hangry before, I KNOW. But I also know that there’s never a reason to be a jerkoff to the people seating you (or anyone!). If your party was skipped accidentally or have been waiting an unreasonable amount of time, talk to a manager and they will figure it out. I PROMISE, IT WILL BE OKAY.

6. Don’t be a passive-aggressive little bitch

   If you were unhappy with the service provided, SAY SOMETHING. Don’t leave a bitchy little note on your receipt: “Shitty service. No tip.” How is this doing anyone any favors?

7. Know when to say something or complain to management

   If you ordered a steak cooked well done and you’re complaining because the table next to you got their salads before your steak even though they ordered after…do the math. How long does it take to cook a well done steak? How long does it take to prepare a salad? Now add them together, minus them by two…and go fuck yourself.

8. “Don’t you want to see my ID?”

   Sir, please. Maybe about 45 years ago.

9. If you snap your fingers at me one more time…

   Well it looks like your order is going in AFTER the table of twenty in the back…

      10. Be patient

 Remember that “shit happens.” If you have somewhere to be in an hour and get upset when your food is taking too long, that’s on you, buddy. Hey, we’re busy! You’re not our only priority here. It’s called time management, my friends. Learn it, live it, love it.